This is true in many ways, but particularly in our relationship.

So am I. Well, not a man of action, but you know what I mean. But since it’s easier to spot things in other people, than in ourselves sometimes, I’m gonna talk about him for now.

Ever since we met, he has been doing all kinds of crazy, sweet things – leaving little love notes on my car all over town, sweet-talking the principal of my all-girls high school to let him to campus so that he could be there waiting for me with flowers on my birthday, and later flying from LA to France just to spend a weekend with me while I was studying abroad.

And as I reminisce, I’m thinking about the fact that it never mattered how much money or means he had. In the beginning he just showered me with love notes and little chocolates, and surprise visits, and shaving cream notes in my driveway. As he got older, his schemes became more elaborate – surprise trips, nice dinners out, etc.

Anyway, the reason I’m sharing all this is that yesterday, we were talking on the phone, having a pretty ‘normal’ conversation (each of us sharing what was up and discussing life logistics), when I realized there was nothing ‘normal’ about our conversation.

This man had woken up in the middle of the night to call me from an oil rig off the coast of Angola, while on a job where sleep is precious and he gets very little of it.

And even though we were still discussing the minutia of our lives, I felt happy just to be on the phone with him. And, told him so.

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’. Which they do. Actions show what you are truly committed to vs. what you think you may or may not want.

This morning I woke up realizing that actions like these are probably ‘the’ single most reason why we are still together – and still like each other – after 15 years.

There have been (and still are) many times in our relationship when I wonder whether or not ‘we are right for each other’, whatever that means. I can often be stubborn, strong-willed, and sometimes overly dramatic. And, I think he’d admit to possessing similar qualities at times.

But when I look underneath, our actions express a different story. One of unwavering commitment to love, growth and choosing to be in relationship with each other over and over again.

When I choose to align my more surface-y actions with this deeper commitment of mine – such as cooking dinner when I feel lazy or waking up early to fill his suitcase with love notes before a trip when I’d rather sleep in – instead of just thinking or talking about doing those things, I feel better, have more fun, and generally enjoy being in relationship more.

And, I’ve discovered that doing things ’for him’, in this way, actually brings me great pleasure. So in fact, I’m doing them for me.

I’m being selflessly selfish. And it’s feels great (most of the time). So next time you don’t know what to do with yourself or are feeling stuck, bored or frustrated in your relationship (with anyone), you can take a hot bath (my solution for almost everything) or you can ask yourself what you’ve had the impulse to do for the other person but haven’t done yet – then just DO it.

Rinse and repeat.